Sunday 9 August 2009

Customer Service Demands: Unilever

From: chris*@*.com
To: Via website contact form
Date: June 10th 2009

Hello*

I am writing** with a query regarding your lovely pepperarmi sticks which I have just finished eating one.

I read on the packet that a stick has 150% pork. I had to ask my friend Sammy what % means because I never knew and Sammy is clever so I knew he would know what % means so I asked him. He said it was something to do with "out of a hundred" and that 100% of something is one of it, and more than 100% means more than one of it. He was going to draw me some pictures but he had to collect Cheryl from the swimming baths and when he got back we'd forgot but I think I know what it means now.

What I want to know is if 100% pork means one whole cow, does 150% (which is 50 more than a whole one) mean one pepperarmi stick has 51 cows in it?

Because if that is what it means I think you should tell more people about it because if you can fit 51 cows into a little stick, that means you can fit a great big farm in a carrier bag instead of lots of fields! I think farmers would like to know how to do that.

I was worried that you might not have time to go out to all the farms in the world telling farmers how to fit their cows into sticks but then I thought if you tell me how to do it I could go out and tell the farmers for you. I am free in the evenings except on Thursdays when I am a Cavalier*** in my local reenactment society.

I have packed my bag already, I thought I would go to Mr Wollesley's farm first as it's only just down by the paper shop but I will wait for you to say yes first.

If you do want to do it yourself then tell me that too, I don't mind. I would like to hear how it goes though!!

Thank you, and keep up the good (pepperarmi making) work!!

Chris


*Sammy says emails shouldn't have "dear mr X" written on. If you find this rude please tell me and I'll try harder.

**or rather EMAILING!!

***not the car!!




From: peperami@unileverconsumerlink.co.uk
To: chris*@*.com
Date: June 15th 2009
Subject: Peperami CaseID#701249#

Hello from Peperami

Dear Chris,

Thank you for your recent query about the confusing labelling on Peperami.

Under the labelling laws for processed meat products like sausages, we are
required to state the amount of raw meat as a percentage of the finished
product - including all the other ingredients like spices, salt etc.

For raw sausages the meat percentage will be less than 100% because other
ingredients are added during manufacture.

However, Peperami is a cured sausage and weight is lost through evaporation
of water during manufacture. This means that the weight of the raw meat we
put in before cooking and curing is higher than the weight of the finished
Peperami that is sold. The meat content is therefore more than 100%. As
an example - a 25g Peperami is made with 27g of raw meat.

I hope that this has helped. If you need any further information, then
please let me know.

Kind regards,

Aysha Pirgali
Careline Advisor



[booooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiing]

Customer Service Demands: Swizzels-Matlow

From: chris*@*.com
To: sweets@swizzels-matlow.com
Date: March 11th 2008

dear mr swizuls-matlo my name is christopher and i am 7 yers old and i liv in manchester and i hav just been eaten jelly spiders FUN GUMS i like them lots becose they r cullerful and nice i have dun a project for school on spiders and i learnd that they hav got 8 legs but yor ones only hav 6 my dad seys they must be mutunts and if i tell yuo yuo will giv me sum 4 free i hav sent yuo my project so yuo can see it miss elkin scant it in 4 me she seys i shud eat fruits not swets but i think fruits are boran my adress is **** fank yuo yors sinseerly christopher russell



[No reply. Heartless bastards!]

Customer Service Demands: Next

From: chris*@*.com
To: (Via website contact form)
Date: February 2nd, 2009


Dear Sir/Madam,

Last Saturday I was enjoying a pleasant perusal of your homeware department when I was confronted with a product the purpose of which I could not for the life of me ascertain. When I came to compose this email I checked your website - perhaps in the hope that I had imagined the product - and discovered it in a section labelled "Kitchen Essentials". The product is displayed alongside numerous others, all in the same category. I have taken the liberty of listing some here:

1. Mugs - yes, they're certainly "kitchen essentials". I like to drink tea from mine. But never tap water! That's what glasses are for.

2. Knife block - handy for storage and juggling, certainly essential

3. Mug tree - most necessary - without one your mugs will fall victim to mug weevils

4. Cream ceramic decorative cook letters - umm..?


I hope you begin to see my point. The other items can all be categorised - crockery, utensils etc... but - "decorative letters"? That isn't a "type" of "thing". You may as well sell "denim horses" or "submarine shoes", they make as much sense. You even go as far as to say they're wipe clean only - as if someone might be tempted to eat their dinner off a massive ceramic 'O' and then be upset when they can't put it in the dishwasher. Surely they'll be more concerned about their trousers?

Ultimately I suppose what I'd like to know is how on earth the idea to sell decorative letters came about in the first place. I can only imagine at the most recent board meeting the head of marketing said something like "well I've noticed we aren't getting any of the decorative letters market, so I propose we gain 100% by INVENTING IT".

Can you make enquiries please? I am most perplexed.

Many thanks,

Chris




From: Customer Service Management Team
To: chris*@*.com
Date: February 5th 2009

Our Ref: CRN/007955-09/CPI

Dear Mr Russell,

Thank you for your recent email enquiry about this seasons ‘decorative cook letters’.

I am sorry that these have been the cause of bewilderment and confusion to you whilst perusing our Homeware Department. Certainly, this would not be our intention.

I can confirm that decorative letters are not a new concept in terms of marketing and have been used over many seasons by Next.

We carefully consider and plan our ranges many seasons ahead and study current trends and moods to reflect the products that we offer our customers.

Based on our findings during previous sales of these products, decorative letters are a very popular range and have featured over our Home and Christmas ranges, with great success. We have therefore, taken the opportunity to offer the letters in the Kitchenware section and current response from our customers has been very promising.

To also help to explain, in categorising our products each item must fall into one of our product codes, for the purpose of ordering, storage and distribution. Additionally, for marketing reasons each item must feature in the area most appropriate for its purpose. On this occasion, the ‘decorative cook letters’ are intended to be placed somewhere in a kitchen.

Whilst I would agree with you that these are not essentials, they have on this occasion been placed with other ceramic products which may fall into such a category.

We appreciate the fact that you have taken the time to contact us and I do hope that I have been able to answer your query.


Yours sincerely,

Claire Pickering